The Secret
by nightrose.spn
Summary: In our own future, seventeen-year-old Torch has a secret. It's about his best, and only, friend, Eli O'Connor, and no one can ever, ever find out. Original fiction, will be moved to fictionpress as soon as my account there is active. For Dorothy.
1. One

The Secret

_One_

Torch wakes up shaking.

He's had another one of The Dreams, which richly deserve their capital letters. The details are foggy, as always, but he can still feel the dim touch of hands on him, with the two attendant sensations. Guilt and fear, of course, that someone could find out—but even worse, desire. His heart is pounding in his chest, and it's not just the fact that he would die if anyone else knew. It's that, even awake, he wants it.

"Torch?"

Fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck fuckcakes fucksauce.

Eli's calm, gentle, concerned voice could not have come at a worse time. Torch briefly considers rolling back over and pretending to be asleep, but he knows just how stupid Eli isn't. He'll definitely get caught, and then he'll have even more explaining to do. Much better to avoid the whole thing, have a quick conversation now, and _then _fake exhaustion and go to sleep. "Yeah?"

"What's wrong?"

"Just a bad dream. That's all."

"Tell me about it."

And that is the worst thing about Torch's best friend. When there's a question you really, _really, _don't want to answer, he somehow knows it, but his psychic sixth sense is tainted so he somehow thinks it's a _good idea _to ask. "I don't want to."

"Come on." From the other bed, Torch can hear Eli's sheets rustling. And coming over here is a terrible idea. It's the worst thing Eli could possibly do at this moment.

"I'm fine, really…"

"You know you can trust me, right?" With the sound of soft footsteps, Torch realizes Eli is kneeling next to his bed. His voice is soft, and intense, and Torch has to shove away some thoughts that really don't belng.

"Of course I do."

"So you can tell me."

He can't. He really, really can't. Anything else in the world, he'd tell Eli, but this? He can't possibly. Even if it were someone else, if it weren't Eli that his secret is about, he might be able to… but he can't ask Eli to keep this kind of secret. It's more than just disgusting and wrong, it's illegal, and he doesn't want Eli facing that risk any more than he wants to look at the hate in his beloved friend's eyes when Torch tells him.

"Torch." Now his voice is firm, but still full of love and concern, still incredibly gentle.

"I can't, Eli."

"Yes, you can." He flicks the light on, and Torch immediately blushes, seeing Eli's eyes focused intensely on his face.

"Don't."

"I thought you said you trusted me, Torch. What can possibly be this big a deal?"

"It's not… it's not that…" And now the guilt trip commences.

"Then why won't you tell me?"

Torch's whole face must be bright red by now. "I just can't."

"Why not?"

"Please drop it, Eli," Torch whispers, and Eli's eyes widen.

He reaches out, like he's going to touch Torch, but of course he doesn't. "What are you scared of, Torch? Just tell me that. You don't have to tell me what the dream was about, just tell me what's scaring you so badly."

"You'll hate me," Torch finally admits, his fingernails digging into his hand. "If you ever knew. You'd hate me."

And of all the things he shouldn't do, Eli starts _laughing. _

After a few minutes, Torch says his name quietly, and then louder. "Eli. Eli!"

"S…sorry," Eli manages around his giggles. "It's… just… that's the most… _ridiculous…_"

"Eli, are you quite all right?"

"That… I…" He takes a deep breath. "Sorry. Really. Just… I could never. And I'm only laughing because I don't want to get pissed off at you, first of all you're already upset and secondly it's the middle of the night. Do you honestly believe there's anything you could do that could make me hate you?"

There is, in fact, an answer to that question, but he doesn't think Eli is going to like it, so he doesn't say anything.

"Torch, you're my best friend. You're my _only _friend. Forever, right?"

"Forever," Torch manages, his throat thick with tears that he is _not _going to cry, thank you _very _much.

"So," Eli says brightly, "is it a _girl?_" and it's Torch's turn to laugh hysterically. "What?"

Torch doesn't answer, just waves him off, gasping for air. "Go… go… back to sleep…"

"Okay." He shuts off the light. "You okay?"

"Yeah."

"Need anything?"

Torch fights off the wholly inappropriate urge to ask Eli to stay, and says instead, "For you to shut up and let me get some sleep."

"All right. See you tomorrow."

"Tomorrow."


	2. Two

_Two_

Tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day, another gray, boring, ordinary day. Torch shuffles to his feet, rubbing his eyes. He doesn't particularly want to get out of bed, and he's really hoping his friend has decided to leave certain events of certain nights _alone _and not obnoxiously harp on them.

Leading statisticians report the likelihood fo that happening at a big fat zero percent.

He sighs and trips down the stairs to the cafeteria. The other men are there already, their trays full. He must be running a little late today. Torch plugs his card into the screen at the door, and it logs him in, the tray popping out of the slot beneath the card reader. He walks over to the buffet, accepting a scoop of whatever indeterminate gray thing is on the menu for today, and sits down at his assigned place.

Unfortunately, it's far away from Eli. They don't like to let two guys have too many things in common. He and Eli share a room, so they can't share meals- there's too much danger of inappropriate relationships developing.

He eats quickly, shoveling the tasteless food into his mouth so he can't appreciate just how unappetizing it really is. When he's cleared his plate, a message flashes up on the table beside him.

_Work detail: Kitchens, shift A, Free, shift B, Study, shift C._

Not bad at all. He's guaranteed a study shift every day, since he's not eighteen yet, and of course everyone gets a shift free. He likes the kitchens, though. Even if it's only for a four-hour shift, the fields or the quarries can get fairly exhausting. He has trouble keeping up with the other men, although he'd never admit it, and he doesn't like the dirty, sweaty work.

He looks across the room. Eli hasn't finished his own meal yet, so he has no way of knowing whether or not they'll see each other at all today. If they have free or study together, they'll be able to talk some, but in the work period talking is pretty strictly monitored and any extra chatter is forbidden. Torch doesn't want to get in trouble.

He glances at Eli again. He holds up two fingers, and Eli shoots him a thumbs up. It's the signals they've worked out for their schedules. Free is the first thing they signal for, the number of fingers the slot the activity has taken. He holds up a three for study, next, but Eli only holds up one finger. He frowns, and Eli shrugs.

Someone kicks him under the table, and Torch's eyes flick back to his empty tray, realizing he's making a spectacle of himself. He stands and walks to the kitchen, taking the trays of everyone at the table. He might as well get a head start on the day's work.

The manager starts calling roll. Torch's name is near the end, and he is getting distracted by the light glinting off one of the slicing machines. He has to be called twice before he finally manages to get out- "Here! Right. Sorry. Definitely here."

"Keeping _you _away from anything hot or sharp," the manager murmurs under his breath, and Torch resigns himself to another day full of dishwashing.

Fortunately, there's salad on the menu that night. Although the less-than-fresh vegetables are unappealing, at least he gets to do _something _vaguely helpful. He spends a solid four hours tossing iceberg lettuce, cucumbers, and frighteningly un-reddened cherry tomatoes into something that at least resembles food. He even contains the urge to pop any vaguely ripened tomatoes into his mouth, where they so clearly belong.

When the manager blows his whistle at the end of the shift, Torch is quite impressed at the comparatively minor amount of lettuce he's spilled on the floor around him. He tries to kick that into a pile, but it winds up getting ground into the floor, making it all the more noticeable. The manager comes by to inspect his station. "Fast work, Torch- Fast, but sloppy."

Torch winces. Why does everyone say that to him? Seriously, it seems like ninety-nine percent of the conversations he has end that way. "Sorry, sir."

"That's all right. Just keep an eye on it in the future, okay?"

"Yes, sir!" Torch says, more than ready to get out of here. He has a whole four hours _free, _to spend with _Eli, _next. And that's just about the best thing ever.

"All right, son. You're dismissed."

"Thank you!"

Torch practically skips out of the room. Eli time! That is definitely the best kind of time. They make it a policy to meet in front of their room when they have free time together, so they don't waste whole hours looking for each other. It's happened before.

"Eli!"

"Hi," Eli murmurs. "You have a good time?"

"He said I was sloppy," Torch pouts.

"Probably because you were too busy not sleeping last night to get any rest."

"I thought we weren't going to talk about that."

"We only didn't talk about it because you pretended to be asleep. Which you obviously weren't, because your eyes are all red and baggy and sad-looking."

It's true. Torch is definitely trying to unleash the puppy eyes right now. And it's obviously failing.

"Come on, Torch. I just want to know."

"Nope." He tries to keep it light-hearted. It doesn't come out that way.

"I promise if you'll just _tell _me I'll never talk to you about it again. Okay? Just once, and then it's all over."

"No. I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because… Fuck, Eli. I just can't." He throws up his hands and starts to walk away.

"Wait. Torch!" Eli has to jog to catch up with him.

"I'm going to go get lunch." The midday meal is laid out in the cafeteria for whoever has free time to get some. It's usually no more complex than bread and cheese. "Are you coming?"

"No." Eli's voice is firm in that oddly attractive way that Torch should definiitely not be thinking about right now. "And you're not going."

Torch swallows and turns around. As he does, he finds himself being pushed against the wall. His friend's eyes are blazing as he grabs Torch's wrists, pinning him still. "Eli!"

"Tell me."

He can't resist. He realizes at that moment that, sooner or later, the truth will come out. "Promise you won't tell anyone else."

"Okay."

"_Swear, _Eli. If you never want to see me again after this, fine. I'll put in the room transfer request, blame it on me, that's all fine. Just _promise _you'll never tell."

"I promise, Torch." Eli tries to smile reassuringly.

"Let go of me?"

"No."

Torch swallows. "Eli, I… You're going to think I'm so disgusting."

"What? Torch, what could possibly be so bad?"

His heart thudding in his chest, his eyes sparkling with tears, Torch presses his head forwars, closing the space between them, and kisses Eli.

He only lets it last for a minute. It's just as good as he's always imagined in his dreams, and better. So much better, because it's real. Torch had never been kissed, had no idea how this would feel. Eli's lips are unbelievably soft, and for just a second, his grip on Torch tightens reassuringly.

Then Torch pulls back, and Eli steps away and drops his wrists. Torch slumps to the ground, burying his face in his hands.

"You know," Eli says. "How long have you known?"

"Since I was thirteen," Torch confesses, his voice breaking. "I'm so sorry."

"Why didn't you fucking tell me?"

"I'm sorry," Torch repeats. "Eli, I'm sorry-"

"_Four fucking years._"

He can imagine how awful that must be for Eli to realize. Every night, for four years, he thought he was doing nothing more than comforting his best friend. In reality, he's been easing the conscience of the pervert who's been lusting after him since they were little more than children.

"Four years, I went to bed every night dreaming of you. And you've known all along. And now this."

"What?" Torch says, blinking away the tears that are starting to roll down his face. That doesn't make any sense.

"It's not that I'm not fucking grateful you haven't told them, Torch. It's just… to mock me with it. You _kissed _me and you have to know…" Eli's voice trails off, thick with emotion.

"Mocking you?" Okay, Torch is beyond confused right now.

"I admit it," he whispers. "I want you. I've wanted you for years. I know it's disgusting and I'll never lay a hand on you, Torch, just don't-"

"Tell anyone?" he interrupts. "Eli, didn't I just finish giving you this speech?"

"What?"

"I… I thought…" he takes a deep breath, having honestly never imagined this course of events. "I thought you'd hate me if you ever found out." He's only pictured three possibilities. Eli finding out, freaking out, and calling the guards was always the most likely one. Eli finding out, freaking out, and avoiding him forever was another, and maybe worse than a nice quick execution. Eli finding out, not telling anyone, and silently keeping a secret was about as nice a pipe dream as he allowed himself.

"Found out what?"

"That I love you. Hell, Eli, I'm in love with you. And I know it's wrong, I know we can never be together, but I…"

"Oh." Eli's face is very serious for one second, but then he says, "We're idiots."

"Do you…"

"Feel the same way?"

Torch nods.

"Yes." He smiles, suddenly. "I love you, Torch."

Torch reaches back out for him, touching his face gently. The two of them shift together, before abruptly realizing that that's a terrible idea. "In the room?" Torch says, then realizes the implications and blushes again.

"Yeah. We can get a little privacy." Eli opens the door for his friend, then slams it closed behind them. There's no cameras in the rooms, it's a government policy. They're guaranteed at least that much privacy.

Torch is still blushing.

"Torch?"

"I just… I can't believe this is real, Eli. No one else… No one else could ever know."

"I'm aware," Eli murmurs. "I wasn't planning on announcing our engagement at dinner."

"But we'll have to keep it a secret. If we even… it's so dangerous, to do anything…"

Eli grabs Torch's chin, forcing the other boy to meet his eyes. "You know I'd never let you get caught, Torch. If I had to take the blame…"

Torch's eyes well with tears, because he knows what Eli is offering. It's happened in one hundred percent of homosexuality cases in the last thirty years. He doesn't know what the procedure is, whether it's all the accused's choice or if they're somehow tortured into confessing to it so the government's vision of same-sex relationships doesn't get challenged. Out of seven thousand cases, seven thousand men have confessed to rape and been stoned to death. Their seven thousand partners have either been acquitted or quickly hanged, depending on whether or not they were infected with any kind of disease and thus too corrubted to be reintegrated. "I won't let you do that."

"Good luck stopping me," Eli whispers. "I'd rather die than see you hurt, and I mean that, baby."

"We'll just have to be careful, then. Because I'd do the same thing. And they'd probably just have to kill us together." He's deathly serious. He's not going to let Eli sacrifice himself, not even hypothetically. "Can we not talk about this?"

"I…"

"I'm just… I want to be happy, Eli. I found out, today, that the best thing I could ever have hoped for, that I never even let myself dream about, wasn't impossible at all. It's true. You really… you really love me."

"I love you," Eli repeats, stunned. "I'm… I'm in love with you. And it's okay to say it."

"It's _wonderful. _As long as you don't say it to anyone that's not me." Torch squeezes Eli's hand, and Eli smiles, leaning in for another kiss.

The bell rings.


	3. Three

_Three_

Of course, now Travis hasn't had lunch, which is the only palatable meal of the day, but he's had something a lot better. He can still taste Eli. He tries not to let his fingers drift up to his mouth too much.

Hunger aggravates his ADD. So does thinking about kissing Eli. He _kissed Eli. _And Eli kissed him. And it was surprisingly easy.

So he doesn't really get much studying done. Mostly he gets a lot of staring at an old history book and trying to avoid doodling hearts in the margins. Little hearts with _T&E Forever _in the middle might be just slightly incriminating.

The bell rings, no one having noticed just how far gone he's been. He springs to his feet and heads toward the dining hall to enjoy a portion of the lackluster dinner he'd helped prepare. He eats readily enough, though, hungry from his lengthy fast all day. He devours the plateful of potatoes, salad, and sausage. When he checks his plate back in, the word _dismissed _flashes across the screen. He scurries back upstairs.

Eli isn't there yet. He sulks to himself for a minute, then figures out there's something else he can be doing. He takes off the shapeless gray uniform shirt, leaving him dressed in only his blue undershirt and the tighter gray pants. He doesn't look bad at all. He combs through his hair, wondering what this is going to be like. Wondering what being with Eli is going to be like.

He's so happy he really does want to shout it to the world, but he knows better. Maybe keeping it a secret is even more wonderful.

"Torch?"

"Already here," he replies.

"It's me, I- oh."

"Oh what?"

"You look gorgeous," Eli murmurs, his voice low.

"It's not that different than normal-"

"Allow me to correct myself. You always look gorgeous."

Torch can feel himself blushing.

"Torch." Eli sounds serious again. "Look at me?"

He does. Eli's eyes are bright, with obvious want but something else too.

"Do you really want this?"

"Of course-"

"I'm not doubting that you're telling me the truth, but… If we do this, there's no going back, Torch. If they find us, if they _inspect _us, they'll know we've done it."

"I know that."

"And…" he hesitates. "I'm scared I'll hurt you. I don't know if I'll be able to make it any easier on you-"

"Good thing I nicked some aloe, then," Torch grins.

"You _stole _lubricant?"

"Maybe…"

"That was a _terribly _dangerous thing to do, you-"

Torch pulls it out of a drawer, and Eli's eyes widen.

"Oh."

"See. I think it was a fantastic thing to do."

"I… I guess I have to agree with you…"

Torch smiles and steps closer to Eli. Eli's hand comes up to tangle in his hair, pulling him close. Their lips meet gently, and Eli whispers against Torch's mouth, "I love you. Are you sure you want to do this right now?"

"I'm sure."

"We don't have to go all the way."

"I want to. I want you, Eli." Somehow, there's never been any doubt in his mind that Eli would take him this first time. That's always been the way he's dreamed of it.

"Okay," Eli murmurs, kissing him again. His lips trail down Torch's neck, his tongue soft and gentle against the skin. He nips Torch's throat, gently, as Torch whispers his name. he wouldn't believe this is real, except that he's had this dream so many times before and it's never felt as good as this.

Eli's hands grab his shoulders, tugging him close, flush against his body. Torch groans and grinds against him, moaning eagerly. When he feels the wave of pleasure, he does it again. Eli's hands push the shirt aside, pulling it up to expose more of his skin. He runs first his fingertips along the naked skin, then trails his lips and tongue across it. Suddenly, Eli's mouth is closing around one of Torch's nipples, and he seriously had no idea life could be this awesome because that feels fucking _fantastic. _

"Like that?" Eli says, his breath hot around the sensitive nub.

Torch stammers something that's halfway between 'Yes' and 'fuck' and 'if you stop now, I'll be forced to kill you.'

Eli eases the shirt up and over, so he has more room to play. He pushes Torch back, until he collapses onto the bed, and Eli crawls on top of him. His head tilts back impulsively, as Eli goes back to kissing and sucking at his neck. His hips thrust upward, grinding into his friend's, as Eli strokes his hand through Torch's hair.

Torch moans again, already embarassingly close. "Eli, you've got to… you've got to…"

"No," Eli growls. "Want you like this."

"But-"

"Baby." Now his voice is gentle. "We've got a long time ahead of us. For right now, this is what we're doing. Okay?"

"Okay," Torch says. "Yes. Very damn okay."

Eli grins, on top of him, and starts fiddling with Torch's pants. "Get these off," he grunts.

"Thoght we weren't going all the way."

"Still want to see you. Want all of you."

"You too," Torch gasps, his hips jerking against Eli's again. That must be making it hard to get the pants off, although Eli slides his hands under and manages to wrest them off from underneath, then kicks his own off.

"Torch…" Eli says, and now his voice is reverent, not rushed with need.

"What is it?"

"You're so goddamn _beautiful._"

Torch moans and smiles and rubs against Eli all at once, and after that… after that, everything is simple. It's just touch, just a simple, rhythmic movement, just their two bodies grinding closer and closer, making them one.

"Love you," Eli whispers as he comes, and Torch shakes underneath him and echoes both sentiment and reaction.


	4. Four

_Four_

Torch wakes up the next morning probably happier than he's ever been before. He and Eli must have fallen asleep immeidately post-coitally last night, because he's still pinned under the sturdy weight of his best friend.

Maybe that's not the right thing to call Eli anymore, though. What are they now? They can't be courting, because there are all sorts of rituals that go with that and you have to be at least twenty-one to declare intent towards someone, who must be found genetically compatible and is always, always, of the opposite sex. They're no longer just friends, not after the soul-searching revelations and shatteringly awesome physicality of yesterday. Lovers, maybe, even if they haven't gone all the way.

Yes, that must be the word. He wakes Eli with a gentle touch to his face, and they snuggle into a more comfortable position side by side.

"How long until breakfast?" Eli murmurs.

"Fifteen minutes, and we both need to shower first," Torch tells him.

"_Fuuuuck._"

Torch grins at him. "Good morning, sunshine."

"Shut up. I'm all tired from last night."

"I wore you out, huh?"

"Yep."

"Guess it's only fair if I wake you back up." Torch reaches out, tugs Eli closer, and kisses him passionately. His breath is probably less than delicious, since it's pretty early in the morning, but it's obvious that Eli doesn't really care from the fervor with which he kisses Torch back. Torch kisses down him again and again, until Eli starts to wriggle against his body. At that point, Torch springs to his feet. "Up and at 'em."

Eli groans. "Cheater." But he gets out of the bed, the warm, lovely, comfortable bed nonetheless. Tempting though the thought can be, neither one of them can afford the luxury of discarding caution and spending the day wrapped around each other in a shared bed, in each other's arms.

They'll never have that. Soon enough, they won't get their study period anymore. They'll be full adults, doing adult work. And at twenty-one, they'll be expected to court, marry, and have the requisite three children. Torch isn't sure if he'll be able to do that, if he's able to look at anyone that isn't Eli with anything resembling desire.

But after that, once they've had children, they'll be allowed to retire. Anyone over thirty with three children is exempted from manual work, freed up to do things like write books and create software and invent new technologies. Idiosyncracies like choosing to room with a friend from old school days isn't that far outside of what they'd be allowed, although they'll always have to be careful. There will never, ever be a time when anyone else can find out. Their lives together will always be a secret.

And that's good enough, Torch supposes. Time enough to worry about that later. He's just barely gotten Eli, he shouldn't start worrying about losing him just yet. He should just enjoy what he has.

He has Eli. He has Eli, in his arms, kissing him in the morning and making love to him, if not tonight, then some night. He has everything he could ever want and more.

With that thought, Torch is practically whistling with joy as he skips down to the shower. He barely manages to restrain himself so he doesn't get arrested for an excessive display of gay.

He showers quickly under the frigid water, and then goes down to the cafeteria for the meal. Yes, part of him wants to wait for Eli and have another few moments in his _lover's _company before they're forced to go, but he's not dumb enough to risk that. Instead, he gets his tray as though he isn't even thinking of his roommate, as if they have no more of a relationship than Torch does with any of the random boys sitting near him as he eats his breakfast. There is something red that might once have been some kind of berry on top of his oatmeal this morning. It tastes better than the flavorless gruel, at least. He can't wait until he's eighteen and he's allowed to have coffee with breakfast. Yeah, it'll mean losing his four hours a day of pretending to study while actually fantasizing about Eli. Which are a lot more valuable, now that he has some actual experiences to base those fantasies on. Still, there are definitely some benefits.

He swallows the last few bites of his food and looks at his now flashing tray. It's free, study, then military training. He makes a face. Military training is definitely his least favorite part of any given rotation. He knows it's necessary, but he really doesn't enjoy all the lifting and running and violence, especially since he's the clumsiest out of all of them. At least he's little, which makes him fast, but having it at the end of the day makes him spend the entire morning dreading it.

He signals to Eli. Nothing together today, which will make the day even longer and more gross than it otherwise would have been. They might be able to slip away for a few moments together during the study period, but other than that, they have a long, grueling day of boredom before they can be together for the evening.

For the morning, he's alone. He gets some laundry done, cleaning their sticky sheets off the bed, and sorts through some of his files. He has a few pieces of mail from his parents, which he reads quickly on his tablet before composing a reply. There's nothing of note, just a polite hello, and he sends the same back. He does not include even the vaguest veiled reference to his new development with Eli. In fact, his parents would probably have to look up who his roomate is from some official correspondance if they ever needed to know. Travis is careful, very careful. It's not so much that he's afraid his own parents would turn him in, because social stigma and harsh legal repercussions can only do so much against the nature of human emotions.

No, he's afraid that his correspondance will be screened, and he'll be caught. In the past, it was his secret crush he feared. Now it's the actual act. He's not sure he could be put to death for just lusting after his best friend, or whether it would just be life in solitary imprisonment where he couldn't infect anyone else.

Now there's no question of it. If anyone were to find out, he would surely be executed. He wouldn't let Eli protect him by taking the blame. He doesn't care what they do to him. They can torture him and he won't back down, and he's sure Eli will do the same. He won't stop saying that he's Eli's, that Eli is his, that they shared this, they did it together. He loves Eli and he won't let them pervert that, no matter what he has to endure.

He signs the last message, _Love, Torch, _and sends it off. He stops by the kitchen for a bread and cheese sandwich on his way to his study period. In the library, he somehow finds the presence of mine to actually study. There's a math test in the last hour, and he reviews with some diligence, even doing some problems for review. The test goes quite well, and he gets very nearly a ninety percent on it, which is really good for him.

At the end of the test, the bell rings. He trudges off to the long field outside, where a laser pistol is shoved into his hand. Most of the boys absolutely adore these shifts of play outside, but Torch absolutely despises it.

"Line up!" the commander's voice comes, and Torch falls into his place. He groans as he sees the long string of obstacles laid out in the mud. The way this particular torture device works is one does somersaults through it while firing the last target behind one and leaping over that in front. It's absolutely ridiculous and relies ona vast wealth of dexterity that Torch does not possess.

The exercise is lengthy and humiliating. He ends up bruised, muddy, and with quite a few self-inflicted pistol wounds. When they're ordered to line up at the end for inspection, the look on the commander's face very nearly disgust. "You need to _work, _son."

"I'm sorry, sir," Torch mutters, looking down.

"I don't understand why you can't devote yourself like the others can. Don't you _care?_"

"Of course I do, sir. I'm sorry."

"Shut up, kid. And look at me when I'm talking to you."

Cautiously, Torch's eyes come up to meet the older man's. He endures a long, painful second of contact, before the comander turns away and continues down the line.


	5. Five

**So, bizarrely, I did not feel like writing a sex scene for this chapter. I may be in need of medical attention. Also, there is a significant chance that the whole "stupid good" conversation will make no sense to anyone but me and Dorothy, but a) I really enjoyed writing it b) this story is her Yule present so her opinion matters most and c) I doubt anyone else is reading it. YAY GAY BOYS.**

_Five_

"How was your day?" Eli asks.

"Fine." Torch can't meet his eyes.

"Yeah. Right. Sooner or later you're going to have to come to terms with the fact that I can see right through you. Like a transperent… transparent thing."

Torch giggles.

"Despite the abject failure of my metaphor, my point is valid. Tell me what's up."

"Is there something wrong with me?" Torch whispers.

"What?"

"There has to be. I'm just… everyone else seems perfectly happy to do this. They want to fight, they want to get married, whatever. And I just… I just don't."

"Is this because-"

"It's not just you, Eli, so don't panic. I just feel… I feel like afreak. I'm so different from everyone else, and I don't even _want _to be like them. Because I can see their lives, I can see what they do and what they want, and I _don't _want that. If I were good at the same things as everyone else is, I'd still be miserable."

Eli looks at him, considering for a moment. Torch is slightly nervous that Eli is going to be mad at him for having yet another panic attack. "I think we've had this conversation before," Eli says calmly.

"What?"

"Remember when you first started learning to read? And the letters wouldn't stay still?"

"Yeah."

"You were afraid something was wrong with you, so you stayed up all night for weeks trying to teach yourself."

He remembers. Somebody had finally caught him crouched over a table at midnight and taken him to the counseler's. They'd found out he was dyslexic, given him a litle pill, and since then he's been able to at least make sense of the words.

"There's nothing wrong with being different. And I love you the way you are."

Okay, so it sounds ridiculously cheesy. That does not prevent Torch from all but swooning into Eli's arms.

"I love you too," Torch murmurs back.

"So nothing too bad happened?"

"Nah. Just that I suck at anything overly physical."

Eli cocks an eyebrow. "Oh really?"

"Really," Torch says, a split second before he gets the implication. "Oh. Um. Well, I guess you'd know that better than I do…"

"Because I thought last night was pretty awesome. Don't know about you."

"Definitely." Torch is blushing now, but embarassment doesn't stop his dick from swelling in his pants. "Do you… did you…"

"I thought we could do it again, if that's what you're stammering about."

"Um… yeah. Can we? I'd like that."

"Me too." Eli, always the more decisiveof the two, seizes the moment to stride over and press his lips to Torch's. Instantly, his embarassment fading remarkably quickly as Eli tangles his fingers through Torch's hair and pulls him closer. He strokes down Torch's neck, tugging him even closer. "Or we could just do this."

Torch smiles against Eli's lips. For a second, nothing else matters. Torch doesn't care that, sooner or later, they'll be seperated. He doesn't care that they're breaking every law ever and if they got caught one or both of them would die. He doesn't care that he has no idea how to do anything like this and he's damned terrified. None of it, none of it, is important. The only thing in the entire world that matters is kissing Eli.

Eli smiles as though he'd heard that thought and sucks Torch's lower lip into his mouth, biting softly. Torch gasps. Eli soothes the bite with a gentle flick of his tongue, then does it again, harder. Torch feels a little lost, but he follows his instinct and lets his hands wander down Eli's back, finally resting on his firm ass. Torch pulls him in closer, and revels in the shared heat of their bodies.

They stand there, in a long embrace, for several minutes. Eventually, though, impatience takes over. Eli grabs Torch's hand and pulls him back against the bed. Torch lands with a thud on top of Eli, gasping with surprise. Eli grins and kisses Torch's neck messily.

For some reason, that makes Torch giggle.

"What?" Eli asks.

"I just… We would be in so much fucking trouble if we got caught. And I don't even care, you make me so happy. It's _stupid._"

"Stupid good," Eli retorts, and kisses him again. Torch squirms happily against him.

"No, you."

"No, _you._ You're all… stupid pretty, and stupid awesome, and…"

"And stupid," Torch mutters.

Eli smacks his ass.

"Hey!"

"Don't you knock the best boyfriend ever."

"No, _you._"

"No, you. You're not stupid. You're just different. And different is good, because I promise, I don't make out with normal dudes." Eli shrugs. "Or normal anyone. Or anyone but you, really. I pretty much think you're the best ever. Thus, stupid awesome."

Torch is unable to think of a suitable reply to this, so he just kisses Eli again.


	6. Six

**I know, I know. I'm a terrible human being. There's no excuse for how long that took. I had a really hard time with this scene. And it's straight-up gay porn, so if gay boys having teh sexehtimes bothers you, go ahead and wait for the next chapter. All you need to know about this one is that they have sex, because that's all that happens.**

_Six_

Eli's lips are trembling, and Torch lays a finger against them. "Is something wrong?"

"I'm just… A little nervous."

"Nervous?"

Eli is blushing. "Never done this before."

"Oh." Torch smiles. "Me neither."

"I'm… scared that I'm going to do it wrong. And hurt you."

Torch runs his hand across Eli's chest, soothingly. "You know I won't let you. I'll stop you if it hurts, okay?"

"Okay. I love you."

"Love you more."

"Not possible." Eli's hands drift across Torch's skin, easing off his shirt. Torch shivers as the cool air touches his skin, and again as Eli's fingers find his nipples and carefully tease them to hardness. "Good?"

"Y-yes." Torch's hands clench against the sheet.

His hand trails down Torch's stomach, fumbling with the clasp of his pants for a few seconds. Torch kicks the garment down his legs as he yanks Eli's shirt over his head.

"You're beautiful," Eli murmurs. "Even more than I imagined."

Torch wonders if Eli spent as much time as he has, over the years, lying in his own bed, staring across the gap that's too wide for imagination to take hold but too short for comfort. He wonders how many fantasies he's starred in and how many he can still make true. If his own are any indicator, this is just about number one on the list.

"I can't believe this is happening. I'm scared that it's all just a dream," Eli confesses, as he strips off his own pants. "I'm scared that I'm going to hurt you, or you're not going to like it." He takes Torch's hand, pulling it up to his lips and kissing it softly. "Scared that, for one of us, it's not going to be as good as the fantasy." He kisses Torch's lips now, still gently. "And I'm scared that we're going to be caught, Torch. I'm scared that this is a fucking death sentence and I'm still… I still want it more than I've ever wanted anything in my life."

Torch waits for the moment to fade into stillness, and then says carefully, "I'm ready if you are."

"I think I'm as ready as I'm ever going to be."

Torch scoots up on the bed and kisses him as Eli's hand fumbles around for the lube that Torch had deposited back in the bedside drawer.

"Torch-"

"Make love to me, Eli. I don't want you to be afraid. I just want to feel you. I want you."

Eli's hand cups Torch's jaw, thumb stroking his cheek as Eli pulls him in for a kiss. "I," he announces, "am so damn lucky."

Torch smiles. "Kinda sucks that we can't shout it to the world, huh?"

"Yeah." Eli lets their lips touch again, opening the cap of the lube and squeezing some onto his fingers. He feels Torch stiffen against him, and not _all _in a good way. "I guess you're nervous too."

"Yep. Just the two of us scared virgins."

"It'll be okay," Eli says quietly. "Anything that happens, I'm pretty sure we can get past. I love you so much."

"You too."

"I'll take care of you," he adds, his voice now barely audible. "Trust me."

"I do." Torch kisses Eli gently. Eli tangles a hand in his hair, pulling them together, as his other hand wanders lower and lower. He cups Torch's ass, tentatively at first, but gaining convidence as Torch moans and slides against him. Some of the tension in Eli's stomach starts to fade. He kisses Torch's jaw, nips at the sensitive skin of his neck, until he feels Torch start to relax as well.

When Torch is resting in his arms, Eli slides his lubed fingers along his ass. He stops when he feels a small rim of muscle. Torch tenses again as Eli's finger touches his hole.

"Shh," Eli croons into his ear, licking a stripe along the lobe. "Just gonna touch." He slides his finger back and forth across the spot, gently exploring until Torch no longer flinches at the touch. Eli leans in for a soft kiss. "Ready?" he says against Torch's lips.

"I…"

"Just one finger. I don't think it'll hurt…"

"Yeah."

Eli smiles at him, eyes bright. "Love you," he repeats, and gently slips the fingertip inside Torch.

There's a long moment where neither of them moves, neither of them breathes. Eli doesn't dare to, afraid that he's going to hurt his lover. Torch… can't.

He's not sure exactly how he feels about this. It doesn't hurt, exactly. The intrusion isn't big enough for that. It's just very, very strange. He tenses around it, and then relaxes, getting used to the feeling. "I'm… I'm okay," Torch says.

"More?"

He considers for a second. He's not sure he likes it, and he's always been taught how painful it is for two men to have sex, but… "Yes."

He's not sure whether it's impulse or the look of wonder in Eli's eyes, but he doesn't regret it.

Eli slides that finger the rest of the way in, and as the rest of his hand comes to rest against Torch's ass, Torch moans. A blast of white sparks explodes behind his eyes, and his erection twitches. "E…Eli…"

"What did I do?"

"I… I don't… what was that?"

"I'm not sure."

"I don't know what it is, but do it again," Torch insists, and Eli laughs. He strokes over the spot again, and Torch whimpers.

This is starting to seem like a better and better idea with every second that passes.

Eli pulls the finger out, and Torch moans a protest. "Just gonna get some more lube, is all."

"Oh. Okay."

It's a brief departure, and then the finger returns, newly coated in lube. Torch shivers.

"_Cold,_" he complains, and Eli laughs.

"It'll warm right up, sweetheart. It's hot in here." He rubs a second finger at the entrance to demonstrate what he means.

"You… you want to put the other one in?"

"If you're okay."

"Yeah. I am."

Eli smiles. "Okay, take a deep breath."

Torch does, and just as he relaxes to take in the air, Eli's finger presses in. It's a little surprising, but it doesn't hurt. Torch does his best to stay relaxed, and that makes it pretty easy. Two is better than one, as it turns out. It means that Eli is pressing against that spot inside him as he starts to slowly twist his fingers.

Torch moans and whimpers, thrusting up towards Eli, trying to rub his dick against Eli's. "_Please._"

"We'll get to that. Shh. I want to do one more finger, so I don't hurt you. Okay, sweetheart?"

"Okay."

Eli apparently takes that as his cue, because there's suddenly a sharp throb of pain as he pushes another finger in.

_"Ow!_" Torch protests, and Eli winces along with him. He pulls the third finger out, returning to the pleasant stroking he'd been doing before.

"Sorry, baby."

"It's okay." Torch takes another second to recover, before gently suggesting, "Maybe you could try spreading those two out? You know, to make room for another one."

"I like the way you think," Eli murmurs. He scissors his fingers, slightly at first but then more as he starts encouraging the muscle to relax. Torch moans as the motion presses along that sensitive spot, and then at the pleasant wetness of Eli's lips on his collarbone. "More?"

"Yeah."

The third finger slides in easily now, with no new sensation except an enjoyable fullness. Torch sighs happily, and Eli smiles. "Good?"

"Good."

He thrusts the fingers in and out a few times, and Torch moans.

"Very good."

"Are you ready?" Eli asks. "I feel like I'm repetitive-man tonight, but I just want to be sure-"

Torch reaches up and cuts him off with a kiss. "Yeah. I'm ready."

Eli pulls the fingers free. There's a soft noise, wet, as they come out. Torch sighs at the sudden feeling of emptiness. "Won't take long, baby." He settles in on top of Torch. "Can you get your legs wrapped around me?"

"Yeah." Torch leans back, tightening his legs around Eli. The motion makes Eli's erection slide right against Torch's now slightly less tiny entrance.

Eli looks right into Torch's eyes. "There's no going back, you know."

"I know."

Eli can tell, looking at him, that there's no doubt in his mind. He's not the least bit worried about this, he's not going to change his mind, in the moment, all he wants is this. And Eli, for one, agrees with him.

It's so simple. So many years of worrying about this, and all it is is one simple flick of his hips.

Eli moans, consumed by the sudden, incredibly intense pleasure. He's _imagined _this, but he's never felt it.

Torch bites his lip. It _hurts, _but not too badly. He can take it, he knows that.

"Okay?" Eli says, and Torch finds himself agreeing.

"Yes."

So Eli goes a little deeper, and a little deeper, until he's finally buried deep inside Torch. He pauses for a moment, and looks down at Torch's face, full of perfect joy as the pain fades into pleasure.

Eli doesn't know how long he can last. He's never felt anything like this in his life. He reaches between them and takes Torch's erection in his hand.

Torch is fighting the urge to close his eyes. Eli's thrusts are still slow and careful. Every one is almost torturous, it takes so long for the gentle glide inside him to reach that one point where it's incredibly pleasurable. Finally, he decides to give in to what he's wanting and moans, "_Harder, _Eli, _please!_"

Eli chuckles and complies, with a force that borders on roughness, although it's obvious he's still in control of himself. He'd never hurt Torch.

Torch, who is sharing this with him, giving this to him. Torch, who moans as he thrusts, almost melodically. Torch, who looks so damn peaceful underneath him.

"I love you," he whispers to Torch, and that beatific expression turns into a grin of joy.

"I love you too," he replies, and then _tightens _every muscle in his body, sending a shockwave of pleasure through Eli.

Torch moans again as Eli thrusts hard, grinding against that perfect spot just as he strokes up Torch's erection.

"Again," Torch whimpers. "Please."

Eli complies. He's just in that kind of helpful mood.

"Eli…"

"Torch." His voice cracks, which is pretty impressive for a one-syllable word, but he's not embarassed. How could he be?

This is so… complete, this giving, this sharing. There is absolutely nothing left for them to hide.

And in the end, it's easy. For all the rules and fear and danger, it's what's right for them. They need this. All it is is two bodies coming together, sharing something wonderful for both of them, consummating the secrets they've held for so long.

It's making something incredible. It's making love.

"I'm going to come," Eli whispers, feeling the pleasure grow higher with every thrust. "I can't… You feel _so _good."

Torch moans. "Please, Eli-"

Eli moves again, harder, tightening his hand on Torch. Torch groans, and realizes suddenly that he's at the edge himself. As Eli thrusts once, twice, three more times, he gives in, and they come together.

_Five_

"How was your day?" Eli asks.

"Fine." Torch can't meet his eyes.

"Yeah. Right. Sooner or later you're going to have to come to terms with the fact that I can see right through you. Like a transperent… transparent thing."

Torch giggles.

"Despite the abject failure of my metaphor, my point is valid. Tell me what's up."

"Is there something wrong with me?" Torch whispers.

"What?"

"There has to be. I'm just… everyone else seems perfectly happy to do this. They want to fight, they want to get married, whatever. And I just… I just don't."

"Is this because-"

"It's not just you, Eli, so don't panic. I just feel… I feel like afreak. I'm so different from everyone else, and I don't even _want _to be like them. Because I can see their lives, I can see what they do and what they want, and I _don't _want that. If I were good at the same things as everyone else is, I'd still be miserable."

Eli looks at him, considering for a moment. Torch is slightly nervous that Eli is going to be mad at him for having yet another panic attack. "I think we've had this conversation before," Eli says calmly.

"What?"

"Remember when you first started learning to read? And the letters wouldn't stay still?"

"Yeah."

"You were afraid something was wrong with you, so you stayed up all night for weeks trying to teach yourself."

He remembers. Somebody had finally caught him crouched over a table at midnight and taken him to the counseler's. They'd found out he was dyslexic, given him a litle pill, and since then he's been able to at least make sense of the words.

"There's nothing wrong with being different. And I love you the way you are."

Okay, so it sounds ridiculously cheesy. That does not prevent Torch from all but swooning into Eli's arms.

"I love you too," Torch murmurs back.

"So nothing too bad happened?"

"Nah. Just that I suck at anything overly physical."

Eli cocks an eyebrow. "Oh really?"

"Really," Torch says, a split second before he gets the implication. "Oh. Um. Well, I guess you'd know that better than I do…"

"Because I thought last night was pretty awesome. Don't know about you."

"Definitely." Torch is blushing now, but embarassment doesn't stop his dick from swelling in his pants. "Do you… did you…"

"I thought we could do it again, if that's what you're stammering about."

"Um… yeah. Can we? I'd like that."

"Me too." Eli, always the more decisiveof the two, seizes the moment to stride over and press his lips to Torch's. Instantly, his embarassment fading remarkably quickly as Eli tangles his fingers through Torch's hair and pulls him closer. He strokes down Torch's neck, tugging him even closer. "Or we could just do this."

Torch smiles against Eli's lips. For a second, nothing else matters. Torch doesn't care that, sooner or later, they'll be seperated. He doesn't care that they're breaking every law ever and if they got caught one or both of them would die. He doesn't care that he has no idea how to do anything like this and he's damned terrified. None of it, none of it, is important. The only thing in the entire world that matters is kissing Eli.

Eli smiles as though he'd heard that thought and sucks Torch's lower lip into his mouth, biting softly. Torch gasps. Eli soothes the bite with a gentle flick of his tongue, then does it again, harder. Torch feels a little lost, but he follows his instinct and lets his hands wander down Eli's back, finally resting on his firm ass. Torch pulls him in closer, and revels in the shared heat of their bodies.

They stand there, in a long embrace, for several minutes. Eventually, though, impatience takes over. Eli grabs Torch's hand and pulls him back against the bed. Torch lands with a thud on top of Eli, gasping with surprise. Eli grins and kisses Torch's neck messily.

For some reason, that makes Torch giggle.

"What?" Eli asks.

"I just… We would be in so much fucking trouble if we got caught. And I don't even care, you make me so happy. It's _stupid._"

"Stupid good," Eli retorts, and kisses him again. Torch squirms happily against him.

"No, you."

"No, _you._ You're all… stupid pretty, and stupid awesome, and…"

"And stupid," Torch mutters.

Eli smacks his ass.

"Hey!"

"Don't you knock the best boyfriend ever."

"No, _you._"

"No, you. You're not stupid. You're just different. And different is good, because I promise, I don't make out with normal dudes." Eli shrugs. "Or normal anyone. Or anyone but you, really. I pretty much think you're the best ever. Thus, stupid awesome."

Torch is unable to think of a suitable reply to this, so he just kisses Eli again.


	7. Seven

**Short and fluffy.**

_Seven_

Torch wakes up still snuggled into Eli's side. Eli's arm is slung over him, stroking little circles into his hip. Torch sighs and curls even closer, and still-sleeping Eli squeezes him tighter on reflex. He kisses Eli's neck and lays his head on Eli's shoulder. He can't wipe the stupid grin off his face.

He's a little sore, but it's in a good way, achy and happy. It's his day off, which means he gets to spend all day snuggling up to Eli, since everyone gets the same three days out of thirty. That's pretty much the best thing ever. They'll have to check in for meals at some point, or someone will come knock on the door at some point, which would decidedly spoil the splendid mood they've got going on here.

Still, there's no need to wake Eli up just yet. They can spend at least part of the day like this, tangled in the still-sticky sheets, wrapped in each other's arms.

Torch doesn't remember ever being this happy.

Now he kind of wants Eli to wake up, so they can kiss. No more than that, but he wants to get even closer to his lover.

Surprisingly, Torch doesn't regret it at all. He'd expected to be kind of panicky that he'd let Eli do… what he and Eli had done. He'd thought he'd be consumed with worry they'd get caught, or insecurity that it hadn't been good enough.

He really isn't. He feels pretty damn sure that Eli enjoyed every second, sure that they're going to do it again, sure that even if they get caught, they'll get through it. There's nothing that can hurt them now.

Together forever. It sounds cheesy even in his own head, but he knows it's true. He can feel it, down to his bones, can feel that this was always meant to be. It has to be. They've already gotten through so much to be together. They're not just going to give up.

"Love you," he murmurs, and even though there's no response- Eli's still quite thoroughly asleep- it's nice.

Obviously, Eli wore himself out quite thoroughly last night. Torch is getting a tiny bit hungry, but he's way too comfortable to move. This is even better than just cuddling up in his bed. It's cuddling up in his bed with _Eli _as an additional, snuggly pillow.

That's like a million times better.

He sighs, breathing deep, and closing his eyes. He drifts peacefully until he hears Eli's voice. "You sleeping, baby?"

"Nope, just waiting for you." Frankly, he's not sure he hadn't dozed off again. For all he knows it had been another couple of hours since the last time he was conscious.

"You're cute when you fake sleep."

"And you're beautiful when you really sleep." Torch smiles and scoots up to press a kiss on Eli's lips.

"Good morning. Nice way to wake up, isn't it?" Eli says.

"Morning." Torch lays his head down again. "It sure is. Going to be hard to get used to it when we actually have to work, though. Since I'm pretty tired."

"Me too. You wore me out, sweetheart." Eli smiles at him.

"You want to go get breakfast?"

"We should." Eli stretches out in the bed. "In a little bit. You know. Once I get over this whole so-happy-I'm-giddy-and-I'll-probably-grab-your-hand-and-hold-it-while-we-eat-and-everyone-will-know-we-had-sex thing."

"That would be bad. In a surprisingly tempting way." Torch grins again. "I'm just so happy, Eli. So happy to be with you."

"I love you," he says. "I love you more than anything."

"I love you too."

"I'm so lucky," Eli whispers, tucking a strand of hair behind Torch's ear and then kissing his forehead. "I can't believe I have you."

"Me neither."

"You really thought I'd hate you," Eli muses. "You really thought I'd never want this."

"Yeah," Torch admits. "Can't you say the same?"

"I can," he answers. "I spent so long waiting… hopelessly. And now… we're here. It's all come true. Everything I ever dreamed of when I wasn't strong enough to resist the thoughts, I have it all, here, in my arms, today. I couldn't be any happier."

Torch smiles, his cheeks aching with how happy he is. "Me too."

"C'mon," Eli whispers. "Let's go eat."


	8. Eight

_Eight_

When they arrive at the breakfast hall, their hands hovering near each other, there is a message waiting for each of them on their cards. Torch's heart races, but as he looks down, he realizes it says only "Free day. Extra dessert ration."

He grins, half just happiness, half relief.

"Breakfast, then back to the room?" Eli murmurs.

"Sooner or later, we have to do something other than…"

"I know. I just think it's easier if…"

Torch nods. If they're together, alone. They don't have to be after sex to want to be away from prying eyes. Even if it's just studying, or talking, or reading, they won't be able to touch anywhere else, won't be able to hold hands or lie in each other's arms or even cast too many friendly glances.

"Breakfast, then library, then back. I want to pick up something to read." Because although sex is nice, very very nice, Torch doesn't want it to be all forbidden romance and no… well, actual romance.

Before, they were best friends. They did everything together, or as much as they were allowed to, and despite the fact that essentially every one of their days followed exactly the same pattern, they never ran out of things to talk about.

And as absolutely wonderful as being with Eli is, he doesn't want to lose that.

So as they walk into the hall, he's relieved when Eli launches into a bad joke, which segues into a lame story, which ends with them eating fried eggs and laughing hysterically as they make faces at each other.

They clean their plates- the fried eggs actually taste pretty good. Protein, the real, at-one-point-amimal-based-kind, is rare enough around here that they kind of have to. Plus, fried eggs lend themselves to that. They're designed to be sopped up with bread and have every last drop relished.

When they're done enjoying breakfast, Torch slides his tray back into its slot, and then wanders off to the library. He and Eli have come to the unspoken agreement that the less time they're seen to spend together, the better. He picks out a book from the shelves, a battered old collection of poems. Few works of literature from before the Crisis are allowed to survive. The government doesn't exactly want to be seen censoring thigns, since the constitution is technically still in place, but there's about a hundred years when almost everything is blocked out—and people don't complain. The years leading up to the Crisis were too free, too wild, and nine-tenths of the world died because of it. If it means keeping the world at a population stable enough that the species will survive, the government gets away with banning a lot of popular novels… or at least keeping them out of the sponsored libraries, which means essentially the same thing.

This book, however, dates to the second century before the crisis, which means it's circulated freely. The title, "Immortal Poems of the English Language," is printed in fading ink across a paper cover.

Torch knows it'll take him a while to get through it, but he likes poetry. The words are pretty spaced out, which makes them easier to read. And maybe he can get Eli to read him some.

Smiling to himself, he asks the librarian if he can check it out.

"Name?"

"Torch."

"ID?"

"39534."

"Great. She's all yours for another two weeks."

"Thanks!" Torch grabs his new book and skips down the hall. He smiles at people he passes on the way, finally reaching his room and Eli.

He's officially madly in love.

It's one thing to say it when he thought there was no hope of anything ever happening. The whole "being in love" thing sort of started off as a way to name his self-pitying angst, but now it's real. It's really real and he has no doubt in his mind anymore. He loves Eli, heart and soul, and he wants to be with him forever.

All but throwing the door open, he finds the other boy sitting on his (their!) bed, crouched over a textbook. "Hi."

"Hi."

"Missed you."

"For twenty minutes?"

"Yeah."

Torch chuckles at him, but he has to admit he feels the same way. Not out loud, though. "You busy studying?"

"Not too busy, why?"

"I was wondering." He feels himself blush. "Do you want to read to me?"

"What?"  
"I… I saw this book of poems. And I like… y'know, I like things you read, but I'm not good at the actual reading. But you…"

"Oh. C'mere." Eli pushes the textbook away, and Torch settles half in his lap, his head resting against Eli's chest. "Anything in particular."

"Nope."

Eli flips the book open to a random page, and reads, his voice soft and strong, his chest rumbling underneath Torch.

"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of everyday's

Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.

I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;

I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints,—I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life!—and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death."

Torch smiles, kissing the nearest available bit of Eli- his neck, as it happens. "I love you. Thank you."

Eli doesn't say anything, just holds him close. He can feel Torch breathing, and it strikes him how precious this is.

How fleeting it might be.


End file.
